I know I am not alone when I admit that I have struggled with body dysphoria since I was a teenager. Thanks to genetics, I have had to process so many comments about my thick thighs and big butt since before I started growing boobs. I look back at photos of myself in my 20s and wonder how I could ever think I was fat!
Now, in my late 30s, my body shows 10 years of change from becoming a mother, dealing with hormonal changes, depression, and anxiety that caused me to gain weight no matter how hard I tried to keep it off. My body is no longer firm and tight, my boobs aren’t as perky, and I rock a cool scar from having a c-section.
I noticed how much I hated shopping because I couldn’t find clothes I liked that hid what I saw as flaws. My confidence levels seemed to be lower than I ever could have imagined possible. This made enjoying doing things outside of my comfort zone almost next to impossible. I went from loving to be photographed to avoiding photos because I hated to see all the weight I gained.
But guess what? Something happened recently that helped me start to work through how I see and treat my body. See, I have been into kink for over 15 years, but I really only started interacting with the community over the last 2 years… and only online through forums to talk about BDSM. That’s where I met my amazing partner who took me to my first kinky party in Hamburg!
We drove two hours to spend the weekend there and I am certain I packed enough sexy outfit possibilities to last an entire week! I was so nervous to think about how I would feel walking around at the party and what I would wear that didn’t make me look fat or stand out too much.
Despite really wanting to see what a kinky party was all about, I was not sure if I would feel comfortable enough to go. So, my partner and I agreed to go and have a drink, and if it was not fun for both of us we would just leave.
Best decision ever.
When we got inside all my reservations began to fade. We were there less than an hour before I shed my dress and started walking around in a see-through lace dress and fishnets—dancing the night away and enjoying the amazing energy of the crowd.
That’s right! All ages and body types, a variety of different kinksters, and people openly exploring their sexual identities in a safe judgment-free space. It was fucking beautiful! I left that party at 6 AM, holding my partner’s hand, ears still playing echoes of techno beats, a huge smile on my face, and an extra pep of confidence in my step!
I still have a ways to go when it comes to being able to look at my body in the mirror and feel confident in my own skin, but one thing is very true something changed that night. Now, I look forward to more kinky adventures and freely dancing the night away in an environment where people are free to explore in a safe space without the limitations of societal norms and expectations.
Cherie is a stray children's librarian turned rogue.
Now she spends her days writing and exploring sex-positive, queer, and kink topics with her girlfriend.
You might find her covered in paint, laughing, or dancing in the rain.
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