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Everything You Need to Know About Your First Sex-Positive Party

A sex-positive party can be intimidating, especially if you’ve never been to one before. Sex-positive parties, also known as kink parties, are events that are geared toward people with alternative sexualities, and they can offer you an opportunity to explore your sexuality in a safe environment with others who are interested in similar things. This article will cover everything you need to know about attending your first sex-positive party, from what to wear to how to find the party itself and how the night will play out once you’re there.

How to find a party you´ll like

These parties are still mostly underground, but in large cities, sex-positive events can be surprisingly easy to find. My advice is simple: hit up your queer and gay friends for recommendations; use social media to search for keywords like sex-positive or kink; read up on local sex-education groups. Since parties are a big part of the kink community, you will most likely find suggestions on any adult forum, like or FetLife. Have a look at the events sections on those sites, and you will find a whole variety of parties. But be aware, that not all parties are really sex-positive events. What distinguishes a sex-positive party from a swinger party is that you will meet a wider variety of people of all genders, sexual preferences, backgrounds, and more. Most importantly: While swinger parties are usually aimed at having sex with someone, the parties we are talking about here are more about enjoying being who you want to be. The event organizers usually mark their parties explicitly as sex-positive, inclusive, or perv-friendly. Make sure you read the description and ask the host if you´re unsure what the night´s motto is

(or day, weekend,…).

Dress to Express (yourself)

The first rule: wear whatever makes you feel the most comfortable. If you identify as LGBT or trans, feel free to wear your pride! Speaking in general, try to be lively and amusing. And as is true of other parties, if you’re not sure what to wear, overdress. You will have more chances to receive compliments on your style with this approach.

But be aware, that most parties do have some rules to make sure the motto is clear and you don´t encounter people wearing the same outfit you´d see in your gym the next day. Study the dress code before you start pulling out your outfits and try to be creative. It´s a lot of fun to dress in a way you´d never attend a vanilla wedding reception. Experiment with makeup, gender roles, colors, fantasy outfits, or wear the skirt that your mom always felt was way too short. Don´t feel like wearing much? Bodypainting works, as well as being completely naked or wearing just a harness.

Arriving at the Event

For first-timers, it’s always a good idea to arrive early to the event. This allows you to meet new people before things get going. Of course, you can always step in at any time during the party and still have a good time. But being there in time allows you to watch people and get into the vibe. You will see that everyone is easy-going, relaxed, and nervous at the same time.

Prepare yourself beforehand

Prepare yourself before you attend your first sex-positive party or event. Talk with your partner about limits, maybe arrange a date with a friend, and plan what you’ll do if you need to leave at any time. Like with kink parties, some sex-positive events have codes of conduct that may differ from your personal preferences—it’s important to be familiar with them before attending! Go in wanting a good time and willing to let things unfold naturally; enjoy your experience!

Don´t feel ashamed

Keep in mind, that no-body is perfect. I have not met a single person who was completely satisfied with their looks. But at parties like this, none of that matters. Quite the opposite: It can have an enormous potential for healing old wounds to show yourself as vulnerable as you are. You might see people fucking in one corner of the club and people dancing in the spotlight. This is your night – and you get to express and experiment with everything that you always wanted to try. As long as you respect other people’s boundaries (always ask before you interact with someone!), no one will judge you.

Relax, Mingle, and Have Fun!

There’s nothing sexier than being a bit nervous at your first party. The best thing to do is to relax, mingle, and have fun! Talk to everyone and don’t be afraid to take the plunge. If someone catches your eye, go up and say hello. If not, take a dance floor or enjoy a drink. This is your night, and you get to be whoever you want to be!

Leave when you want to

Sex-positive parties are an opportunity to be your kinky, queer, or trans self. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. People will listen to you and help you feel safe if something happens that makes you uncomfortable. You can leave whenever you want, and people will understand. The folks at those parties are often good friends and want nothing more than for everyone to have a great time. And sometimes, an encounter on the dancefloor or at the bar can turn into a lifelong friendship. Or a hot night in bed with someone you just met. Just keep in mind: You don´t have to do anything you don´t want to, and people will always respect that.

Filed under: Events


Emma has lived in a gay relationship for 12 years, as a husband to his wife for another 15 years, and is now living with her girlfriend in a small town in Northern Germany.