You’re lying in bed with your partner and they ask you, “What are your fantasies that we haven’t explored?”, and you instantly freeze up as your face begins to blush. You want so badly to tell them how you would love to play out some really rough or super kinky scenes, but you just aren’t sure if they will be down or maybe you fear it would be a total deal breaker for your relationship, so you shy away from telling them.
There are many reasons why we often find ourselves in such a conundrum, but don’t worry! We are going to talk you through some of those and give a few tips on how to open up more with your partner(s).
Many people are afraid to talk about their kinks and fetishes for fear of judgment or rejection. They think that if they open up about their sexual desires, their partner(s) will judge them or think they’re weird. But the truth is, most people have kinks and fetishes. And there’s nothing wrong with having them! In fact, exploring your kinks and fetishes can be a fun and exciting way to spice up your sex life. Keeping your desires from your partner(s) could be such a slippery slope for a failed relationship. Why?
Because partner communication is essential for a healthy relationship to grow and thrive. Hiding your desires could lead you to search for other outlets to fulfill your needs, and create a huge gap between you and your partner(s) that could ultimately end the relationship.
So, what do you do about it?
Talking during sex about what you like or don’t like is so important, but think twice before you randomly scream out for your partner(s) to choke you during sex. Not only is this a very dangerous activity to do without really easing into and talking through with your partner(s), but it can also completely throw your partner(s) into shock and totally kill the mood… leaving you feeling ashamed or embarrassed.
Instead, we recommend starting with the more vanilla stuff that you may have not talked about, like spankings. Take turns talking about things you would like to try. Then, progressively add the more deviant or taboo things. If the conversation starts to feel awkward, take a break and come back a little later to discuss what made it feel that way. You might also choose to talk with a sex therapist who can help you talk through what you each need and desire to achieve a healthy sex life and relationship together.
If you are unsure how to talk about it, there are a few great forums on festish.com and joyclub where you can read and, if you choose, talk with other like-minded people who are very open about their own experiences.
If you really love your partner(s), but you are afraid of losing them because you might enjoy something that is really taboo or strange, you might want to try jotting down the reasons why you are afraid of losing them. Try the 5-year outlook plan; ask yourself how this could impact your relationship, where you would like your relationship to be in 5 years, and would not being able to fulfill your deepest darkest desires really be something that would make you feel like you are losing out life. Some people are totally okay with having a completely asexual relationship, or a partner who is very vanilla and simple when it comes to sex.
Ultamitally, you have to be honest with yourself and your partner(s). Life is short and I promise, from my own personal experience, the worst feeling is looking back after 15 years of a relationship to discover how much of your life you were not able to authentically live because of not being able to communicate clearly with your partner. The best feeling is being able to live your life as authentically-you as possible, without fearing judgment from your partner(s).
Cherie is a stray children's librarian turned rogue.
Now she spends her days writing and exploring sex-positive, queer, and kink topics with her girlfriend.
You might find her covered in paint, laughing, or dancing in the rain.
- Are You Afraid to Talk About Your Kinks and Fetishes? You’re Not Alone. Here’s How to Open Up about Your Sexual Desires - August 13, 2022
- Slut-Shaming is So Last Century – Let’s Embrace People Who Own Their Sexuality! - July 19, 2022
- Wax Play 101: A Brief Introduction to the Sensual Art of Wax Play - July 14, 2022