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Published on May 31, 2022
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5 Red Flags That You’re in an Unhealthy BDSM Relationship

written by Cherie Adele

Dom Sub relationships can be very fulfilling, but they can also quickly slide into unhealthy territory where one partner dominates the other in an attempt to control them or make them feel miserable. If you’re in an unhealthy BDSM relationship, you might find yourself resenting your partner and feeling like you have no power over your life.

I am dominant in my relationship. One of the biggest pet peeves I have is a Dom who thinks they know everything about a Dom/Sub relationship. One of my favorite ways to evolve in my practice is to read, listen and study real stories from other kinksters.

Sadly, over the years, I have read so many posts on fetish and kink forums about Dom/Sub relationships that have left submissives traumatized. I’ve noticed there are five really common characteristics from their stories that I feel are important to discuss.

1) No respect for your limits
In any healthy Dom/Sub relationship, both partners need to respect each other’s limits and boundaries. If your Dom is disregarding your safewords or failing to honor safe words at all, that’s a pretty clear sign you’re being hurt—whether you realize it or not. Remember: When it comes to sex, it’s crucial for both partners to feel safe and respected at all times.

Trust
Honesty
Respect
Communication

There’s a difference between submitting to your partner and letting go so much that you lose sight of what is and isn’t acceptable. If your Dom fails to recognize or acknowledge when things get out of hand, they may not have your best interests at heart. Instead, they might be more focused on their own pleasure—and only yours when it suits them.

2) Verbal Abuse

I want to start off by acknowledging there is a difference between consensual verbal degradation and physical torture that has been discussed in detail between a dominant and their submissive and nonconsensual judgemental language or abusive behavior that makes you feel less than and is intentionally meant to put you down or make you feel small.

Unfortunelty, there are dominants who go too far with their words. If you find yourself experiencing body shaming, or if your dominant tells you why you’re better/worth less than others, try answering the following questions: Do I believe that I’m worth less than others? Does something about my body make me feel uncomfortable in my daily routines? Don’t know what to say to them. Know that it isn’t okay and be aware of the situation so you can create a plan with your dominant to address those concerns.

3) Minimizing your feelings
Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic designed to make a person doubt their own feelings and perceptions. In unhealthy Dom/Sub relationships, it often starts small, with a dominant minimizing and trivializing a submissive’s feelings, for example. If you find yourself constantly apologizing for little things or feeling like you might receive punishment for expressing discomfort about something that feels uncomfortable in your relationship, that could be a sign of gaslighting at play.

Gaslighting
A subtle form of emotional manipulation
that often results in the recipient doubting
their perception of reality and their sanity

Ultimately, a good Dom won’t manipulate your emotions about things that feel wrong or make you feel unsafe—they’ll support you through everything, big and small, by listening without putting you down or making you feel crazy.

4) Sudden outbursts
In Dom/Sub relationships, a submissive is often expected to show appreciation and obedience to their dominant partner. Abusive doms can react with sudden outbursts at their submissive or others when they don’t see that gratitude and respect demonstrated.

As a Dom, I have a set of expectations for my Sub to follow, when she does not follow my clear expectations, she already knows there will be a punishment suitable to our detailed agreement which clearly discusses in detail hard and soft no-s, as well as hard and soft yeses. I would never just randomly punish her for something beyond our agreed-upon rules and punishments. As a submissive, you should never feel like you have to walk on eggshells.

5.) Sworn secrecy
While the Fifty Shades of Grey books and movies have brought BDSM and kink into the mainstream, it’s not all good—especially for novices. Beware of a partner who pressures you to do things that you don’t feel comfortable with (or beyond your limits). If they fail to respect your boundaries or consent, they may be taking advantage of you.



Isolation from family and firends is a
red flag for any abusive relationship

In an unhealthy relationship, one partner might want complete control over the other: denying them food, forcing them to follow rigid rules, or restricting their use of the Internet or phone communications with friends and family.

Be wary if your Dom/Sub relationship is riddled with non-consensual activities—if anything feels off, step away from the relationship. Your self-worth should never be at stake.

When to walk away

Of course, I cannot sit here and write when you should walk away from an unhealthy Dom/Sub relationship, but I can hope that by reading this you can see how very important it is to have honest communication with your Dom in a safe space to express anything that you feel uncomfortable with. Know that if you are not growing on a personal level and unlocking your fullest potential, you might want to reconsider and really take a long, hard look at the four pillars of BDSM: Trust, Honesty, Communication, and Respect, and see how they are working in your Dom/Sub relationship.

If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, there are several hotlines, including hilfetelefon, where you can get access to therapy and tools to get you out and help you heal.

Cherie Adele
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